songs and images

My life is not my own, but I keep trying to re-claim it. I think these mediums of expression and thought are both fundamental in conveying the realization I came to today. The conclusion is so simple, I can't believe I've been ignoring it as it's stared me in the face all this time (like most conclusions to problems that you don't really want answers for)...

Mr. Tambourine Man
by Bob Dylan really hit home today. Though the lyrics of this song is arguably drug-induced, but still really resonate with me and my perspective towards the life I'm living, especially this stanza:
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

I am constantly looking towards a new beginning, a fresh start, something new and exciting to occur...now. (No? How about...now. Nope? Damn it, what's wrong with the world?) I guess it's another way in which college life has created unhealthy expectations for the world in which it is supposedly supposed to prepare me for. The burden of freedom and plethora of obligations that I could not wait to escape from while in college I almost readily welcome now, as life has settled into a pretty yet unsatisfactory rhythm. The constant question of 'how' has quietly transformed into 'why', which provokes much more intensive thought and intentional response. But then, as usual, the answer was presented to me today in church (right? where else?)...

This is my why. This is my how. This is the culmination of all meaning and purpose, the hope I look to, and the path that guides me. I am gathered to the source of my hope and light, lest I forget from whence I came. Thanks be to God.

I got so many little affirmations in church on the path on which I am to be taking, and I really think it might be towards the Community House. I am so not sure, but I can't discern on whether or not my lack of clarity is because I am staring straight into the ugly face of all of my doubt--doubts on whether I can do this, whether or not I want to. Focusing on what I am giving up if I do this rather than remembering what I gain. But it's not really about gaining, but about walking the narrow path of Our Lord. The centricity of purpose and meaning is what I gain when I do this, I suppose. I have already committed to fasting and praying when the time comes to decide on whether or not I will move in, but I have a feeling that my prayer will be that a loud shout will confirm the small slight whisper that I think I already hear.

Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect
--"My Back Pages" by Mr. Bob Dylan