23 January 2008

Smokes, rain, and therapy

I'm pretty sure that is the best title ever...

These three things are happening in my life right now. One of them I am proud of myself for doing; one, not so much, but I am excusing it by proclaiming (that's right, a proclamation) that it's my right, and I need a little escapism once in awhile. and i'll stop when i move home in 3ish months. The third I have absolutely control over and I am just happy it's happening right now, because I am thankful that our environment can still produce rain and it reminds me of England.

But yeah, life is interesting right now; I write a semi-colon instead of colon because I'm never quite sure just exactly how to qualify and justify that statement. Really great, amazing, God-graced things are happening; really hard, awful, emotionally draining things are occurring too. Some of those things are one in the same. I guess these feelings must rival with a prisoner's who's wrists are finally let free from years in chains: the new-found grace and freedom of movement is exhilarating, but they still have to acknowledge the bare wounds and pain that is a result of being entrapped for so long. (And for those of you who are aware of the still-pretty-new changes in my life, that is NOT what I am referring to. Let's just say I am not going to counseling to talk about my recent break up....)

I'm really hopeful for the future. I am hopeful for where I go next. I am hopeful for new people that I get to meet and for the new relationships that develop. I am hopeful for the disciple of Christ that I am becoming, even though it, frankly (like I'm never not frank), it scares the shit out of me. I am thankful to regain that pure joy in life and in the Lord that I have not experienced for years.

In sum, these two things are defining my life right now:

by far the best album in my life right now...

aaaannnddd, this. oh this:

read this. that's all i have to say. read this and i will talk you through it, if you want.

anyway, that's it. i dearly, genuinely love you all. and if i don't know you, i'm sure i will love you once we get to know each other.

09 January 2008

I'm convinced I'm going crazy

It is far too late to be writing this right now. I should be, oh, I don't know, reading for my THREE research papers I have this term!! Welcome back to the States...
But, actually, I am feeling really good about this semester: I've made so many changes in my life, my goals are completely different than they were 6 months ago, and my aim in life has greatly altered, so it's nice to only fit two huge time commitments--school and work--in my life. I need time to breathe, to reflect, and to pray. Lots of prayer. I've been neglecting that for awhile, it's time I jump on board again.
But, yes, craziness: I think I might apply for an interdisciplinary postgraduate program in Medieval Studies at the University of Bristol, among other schools. I know, what? Medieval? Since when? I told you, I'm crazy. I can't explain why this is exciting to me. This whole, I'm going to apply to theology school and become a theology professor (let alone in England) is just plain insane: I feel so inadequate and ill-equipped to do it. Who do I think I am? My prayer is that the constant tugging of my heart towards this path is of God and not of myself, not of my innate desire to fill the void in my heart that I recently vacated. I know what we do isn't what the Christian life is all about: it's who we are; but, still, I think who we are is deeply reflected in the decisions we make, and the risks we are willing to take. I can't tell you how a Masters in Medieval Studies would help anybody in the world, really, but I wonder if our relationship to the world and our vocation has a cause and effect relationship like that. Also, who's to say it doesn't?--history is essentially to understanding who we are, especially if it concerns our worldview. And, like my friend pointed out to me tonight, I have at least a year to contemplate what this deal is all about with grad school and if this is the right path for me, whatever that means. I really would like to stop trying to justify every action I make that doesn't involve me moving to Peru or Botswana or Calcutta to being a good person. This is all self-inflicted, but I do have a twinge of guilt in my heart every time I think about how I'm not doing that. And how I don't want to do that, particularly. And how I want that to be okay.