29 October 2008

[Prayer 2]

Lord, deliver me from the powers that would seduce me into desiring greatness,
and have me seek identification with the forgotten,
following in Your example:
for though You are in the very nature of God,
You did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
and made yourself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant (Philippians 2:5).

Make me nothing--
nothing of myself, and all of You.
May my life be nothing of a constant prayer,
an offering to You.
Help me to living the mystery of your coming Kingdom
and to momently partake in you present Body.
Consume me, Lord, so that I may be consumed by others.

I pray not only that the meditations of my heart and words of my mouth bring You glory,
but also the works of my hands and the steps of my path.
May I live not for substantial movement and change,
but be guided by the hope for miracles.

I am not voting. But I will pray and fast.

28 October 2008

You know it's true...

Question posed: "and anyway, what's the big deal? can't someone think that they are fucking fantastic and simultaneously doubt their redemptive qualities?"
Answer given: "yes, you can. in private. society only likes one or the other my friend..."

26 October 2008

songs and images

My life is not my own, but I keep trying to re-claim it. I think these mediums of expression and thought are both fundamental in conveying the realization I came to today. The conclusion is so simple, I can't believe I've been ignoring it as it's stared me in the face all this time (like most conclusions to problems that you don't really want answers for)...

Mr. Tambourine Man
by Bob Dylan really hit home today. Though the lyrics of this song is arguably drug-induced, but still really resonate with me and my perspective towards the life I'm living, especially this stanza:
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

I am constantly looking towards a new beginning, a fresh start, something new and exciting to occur...now. (No? How about...now. Nope? Damn it, what's wrong with the world?) I guess it's another way in which college life has created unhealthy expectations for the world in which it is supposedly supposed to prepare me for. The burden of freedom and plethora of obligations that I could not wait to escape from while in college I almost readily welcome now, as life has settled into a pretty yet unsatisfactory rhythm. The constant question of 'how' has quietly transformed into 'why', which provokes much more intensive thought and intentional response. But then, as usual, the answer was presented to me today in church (right? where else?)...

This is my why. This is my how. This is the culmination of all meaning and purpose, the hope I look to, and the path that guides me. I am gathered to the source of my hope and light, lest I forget from whence I came. Thanks be to God.

I got so many little affirmations in church on the path on which I am to be taking, and I really think it might be towards the Community House. I am so not sure, but I can't discern on whether or not my lack of clarity is because I am staring straight into the ugly face of all of my doubt--doubts on whether I can do this, whether or not I want to. Focusing on what I am giving up if I do this rather than remembering what I gain. But it's not really about gaining, but about walking the narrow path of Our Lord. The centricity of purpose and meaning is what I gain when I do this, I suppose. I have already committed to fasting and praying when the time comes to decide on whether or not I will move in, but I have a feeling that my prayer will be that a loud shout will confirm the small slight whisper that I think I already hear.

Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect

--"My Back Pages" by Mr. Bob Dylan

20 October 2008

Here are things:

Right now, I can't elaborate on all of these things as much as I want to, but I can offer a coherent list of organized thoughts!  Yay! Progress!

*Things really suck at home right now, and I feel really helpless...praypraypraypraypray, please.

*I might go to grad school...for free?  The only catch: I have to go to APU.  Details to follow...

*I still haven't sat down to articulate my convictions on voting and why I'm making my decision not to, but here are some bits from a conversation I had earlier that I think pretty much outline my 'whys':

"I think I'm offensively hopeful in that I have so much hope in Christ, I don't see the need to vote for a political leader..." 
yet..."I was praying about all that the other day, and I felt the need to apologize for even thinking about it. Like i'd forgotten that the cross happened and removed, virtually, all need for politics...how i had forgotten to practice the politics of our Lord. instead i made it (the politics of Jesus) an item of discussion, rather than a way of life..."
but, in the end... "Everytime I even think about voting I feel like I'm cheating on Jesus."(It's true.)
Most of that was said by the wise Misty (harhar), but I really resonate with all of the sentiments. Again, further elaboration will follow...

*Ok, plain and simple: adjusting to life after college is hard.  And the instability in my life since May has not made this process any easier, to say the least. I feel like i go through circles with emotional situations rather than moving along linearly. In all honesty, I just feel like my emotional stability and level-headedness that I so pride myself in is just slipping out underneath me:  I'm not 'the strong girl' anymore.  In fact, just accepting where I currently am emotionally has been half the battle for me lately, and I have had really wonderful encouragement from really important people to just 'feel my feelings', and let them be ok (regardless on how silly I think they are, or how little legitimacy they hold).  

Ok those were things. 

18 October 2008

I've realized...

I'm really good at making commitments to myself and to others and even to causes and ideas without any real direction on how to follow through. (I'm also really good at writing tiny little quips on my blog without expounding.)

This came in my head last night:

We often found that at times, the only real direction we had were the freeway lanes marked in yellow.  Our only momentum to move forward was the engine of our cars, and the only reason we had to continue was the song playing through the speakers, the words of which were the only thing that could really move our disenchanted souls.  So, sometimes, we would drive a little further than we needed to...

08 October 2008


Instead of restating the process that was both personally and communally induced, I'm gonna request that everybody go here to see the discussion that was had about abortion that was initiated by a recent BBC Health article regarding advances in testing for down's syndrome during pregnancy.

I feel that for the first time, I am seriously and legitimately torn about this "issue".  I also believe that as soon as a deem it an "issue", it no longer is as such in my life, but escapes into the densely ambiguous outer atmosphere of the Other.  Issues are about the people discussing them, not the groups or individuals who are being discussed.

Ok, enough of my ranting.  Enjoy?  Or, at least, read and tell me your thoughts?  I love the thoughts...

06 October 2008

Unsheathing the student identity...

I graduated from college, but I still create homework for myself.  Except now, the amount and level of bullshitness has greatly decreased.  I'm all about quality, not quantity, folks.  Future students: rejoice!