Like every other conscious humanoid on the planet, I have been thinking a lot about love...umm, my whole life. Love, relationships--you know, the simple torturous concepts and the idea of their supposed essential place of centrality in our lives that we keep subjecting ourselves. I have been "officially" single for half a year now, and practically single for about ten months, and I am in a self-diagnosed 'good place' in the relationship department. Due to the anticipated radical geographical changes that I plan on undergoing in the next few years, I'm not set out to find a spouse right now. I'm actually not that interested in finding anything super "serious" by any means, as I am still "recovering" (for lack of better word) from those strange, long-term interactions that bears the aforementioned adjective that I have been in for the past several years. I'm simply not quite ready.
Yet, I still have a hard time shaking that slightly obsessive and very self-depreciating tendency to put myself and my heart in a position to be broken when it comes to my interactions with the opposite sex--a position that I am fully aware is inevitable. These situations simply will not work out for a number of reasons, and I know this going into it. Yet, again and again, I am not satisfied with being "ok" with being single--which, to me, has always translated into the word "lonely". Again, I'm not looking for anything life-altering, I'm just hoping for anything. I haven't quite descended to the "I'll make out with anyone who looks slightly tolerable, especially if I'm drunk" state yet (and I don't anticipated to), but, hell, I'd like a date once in awhile.
And then I ask myself, "Self, why? Why are you doing this to yourself? What is it that you desire so strongly that you'll put yourself in the line of fire to experience the sensation?" I'm not operating under any fallacy of the wonders of love and relationships--experience has taught me those fables simply are not true. But there is something that creates an inner yearning for something only members of the opposite sex whom I am attracted to (or make myself attracted to) can provide, and I think today I got it: it's the feeling of being special to someone. Of being extra important in a way that other human relationships just can't provide. That feeling, sensation, whatever, is what makes us humans go crazy, jump off cliffs, and put ourselves in harms way for even the idea of love. And that's what I somehow, deep down inside need, or have convinced myself that I need. That's what makes me willing to date someone who I know isn't good enough for me, that's what has made me become less of myself so the current relationship situation I was in would work.
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