It is far too late to be writing this right now. I should be, oh, I don't know, reading for my THREE research papers I have this term!! Welcome back to the States...
But, actually, I am feeling really good about this semester: I've made so many changes in my life, my goals are completely different than they were 6 months ago, and my aim in life has greatly altered, so it's nice to only fit two huge time commitments--school and work--in my life. I need time to breathe, to reflect, and to pray. Lots of prayer. I've been neglecting that for awhile, it's time I jump on board again.
But, yes, craziness: I think I might apply for an interdisciplinary postgraduate program in Medieval Studies at the University of Bristol, among other schools. I know, what? Medieval? Since when? I told you, I'm crazy. I can't explain why this is exciting to me. This whole, I'm going to apply to theology school and become a theology professor (let alone in England) is just plain insane: I feel so inadequate and ill-equipped to do it. Who do I think I am? My prayer is that the constant tugging of my heart towards this path is of God and not of myself, not of my innate desire to fill the void in my heart that I recently vacated. I know what we do isn't what the Christian life is all about: it's who we are; but, still, I think who we are is deeply reflected in the decisions we make, and the risks we are willing to take. I can't tell you how a Masters in Medieval Studies would help anybody in the world, really, but I wonder if our relationship to the world and our vocation has a cause and effect relationship like that. Also, who's to say it doesn't?--history is essentially to understanding who we are, especially if it concerns our worldview. And, like my friend pointed out to me tonight, I have at least a year to contemplate what this deal is all about with grad school and if this is the right path for me, whatever that means. I really would like to stop trying to justify every action I make that doesn't involve me moving to Peru or Botswana or Calcutta to being a good person. This is all self-inflicted, but I do have a twinge of guilt in my heart every time I think about how I'm not doing that. And how I don't want to do that, particularly. And how I want that to be okay.
2 comments:
If you are supposed to move to Peru or Botswana or India that desire will come as you surrender yourself to the will of God. Believe me, I am definitely not where I thought I'd be during my senior year of college. Back in my home town was the LAST place I thought I wanted to be, but when the time came and the circumstances fell into place, lo and behold God had also done the reconstruction of my heart to make me okay with that step. Just go one step at a time. Who knows where you'll be next year, in five, in ten. The only certain thing is that He'll equip you for whatever step He asks you to take.
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