"Waiting on the Lord"

Today at the Taize service at University Church (St. Mary's is the proper name, but there are so many St. Mary's around this city Oxfordians can't keep them strait and rename them) I had a neat little vision, so to speak. There was probably less than twenty of us sitting in the back chapel admist the enormity of this huge Norman-style cathedral, the lack of mass creating this intense echo that a slight cough or rustle of paper reverberated throughout the whole building. We sang our hymns in rounds, we sat in prayerful silence, and, for me at least, felt the somber reality that so few were worshiping in so large of place lay over me like a light blanket. I could go on about how empty cathedrals feel in Europe because so little hearts are turned towards them and the God the house, but my newly self-proclaimed religious belief is Hope: the audacious, absurd, and sometimes reluctant hope in the Lord, so my focus will be on the hopefulness of the situation. But anyway, the emptyness of the building and the faithfullness of the congregants gathered and the title of the hymn--"Waiting on the Lord"--gave me a slight vision of the early church, sitting together in small groups, unwelcomed or rejected, by the "outside" world, waiting on the Lord, their Hope and Vision. Granted, I don't know if our congregants are "growing in numbers everyday" like the 1st century church did, but I really believe the faith of the parish is strong and their devotion sincere. The name "gregory"--which comes from the Greek word "to wait, to be viligent"--kept coming to mind. As I recall from my Life and Teachings class last year, "Gregorio" (?--I guess? I surely wan't Gregory) was the most common name amongst 1st century Palestinian Christian as they were constently anticipating the return of Christ.
One time my dear friend Misty told me that what we are to do as Christians is simply wait--we anticipate the coming Kingdom of Christ while operating like it's already here. Regardless if you think that we are waiting to move from this reality to enter into a more "real" reality, or if you think the New Jerusalem will be on this Earth, we still all need to be operating as if we are experiencing this reality now--which means loving, giving, praying like there is no tomorrow. And living in the faith and hope that God will come, will act, will respond to our faithful actions and humble prayers.

thoughts on a lazy saturday afternoon

finishing college is becoming more daunting to me as of now then i have ever imagined it to be. and its not because of my heavy class load or financial burden or anything of that nature, but its because finishing college is coming. soon. sooner than i am prepared for. this truth provides much anxiety and sleepless nights for me because the picture of my life i've had for years is starting to come to a close. the film strip is coming to an end, and now i'm looking at the last few frames, vainly trying to imagine what the next roll of film is going to look like before it's put on the projector and i have to start viewing it before my own eyes.

and i know, boo-hoo, poor me, i have the whole world before me and i'm upset that i have so much to choose from--i should be excited, not apprehensive, i should be exhilerated at my choices, rather than intimidated. i should be a lot of things, but i am rarely any of them. i should give all of this up and move to Africa or inner-city Los Angeles; i should be devoting every moment of my time to serving those around me; i should put this new MacBook down and walk out of my appartment with artifacts that betray my wealthy status this very minute and just DO something. but i'm not. (and neither are you, because you sitting here reading this right now.) i'm backing down from my previously-held soap-box from which i proclaimed my devotion to changing the world, i'm chumping out, i've switched my focus, and i'm doing this because i've realized that i can't do a single thing for another person--or at least one that is significant to echo in eternity--if i don't know who i am before God. and I hate that i feel like i have to compartmentalize the two, but this is what i have to do for now. I was faking it before, I'm just praying that when this whole process is over, my goodness will be genuine.

so that's why im afraid to finish college, because i still don't know who i am, and isn't that what you are supposed to do when you go to college? i feel like ive been unravelled more since i've come here; hopefully, though, it will be for something better, something more complete. maybe the thread will unravel to a stool, the more true me; or maybe my thread or yarn was too systematical, too manufactured on its spool, God needs to unravel it so He can knit something beautiful.