Epiphany in the Library

I was sitting in the library tonight, quite unproductively, when God graced me with one of those precious moments when the greatness of eternity reveals itself slightly in the temporal experience, and I got "it". I was thinking about equality, and what that means in the world's standards in politics, economics, and society, and whether that holds ground in society and, especially, in Christianity. So, this is what I figured out; the argument isn't fluid, and there is so much more I want to add and consider, but this is the philosophical/theolgical garble that came out, for your enjoyment.

There is no equality in God's Kingdom--none at all.
There is only vast, ever-expanding inequality: first, starting with Christ, Who did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, made Himself unequal with His bretheren, placing their needs and concerns before His own. You see, we are very much unequal with God, in all Glory and Wonder, understands inequality with far more depth than we can ever imagine, becoming its manifestation as Immanuel.

We are to respond by promoting inequality amongst our sisters and brothers: not considering eqaulity with their selves something to be grasped, we are to put ourselves in the most unequal positions before them as our Gracious God allows it, responding and acting to their needs and cares with so much more urgency and attentiveness than our own. Equality, in the sense that everyone is taken care of only occurs when we are all prioritizing the care of others before ourselves. We do not promote the rights of others in the Kingdom; we live out the rights of others, without demanding or giving a second thought to whether our own rights are being taken care of. The Kingdom of God is radically equal, for equality is only gained when all are made unequal with each other.

redemption

I believe redemption is this:
It’s the liberating, exhilarating knowledge that no matter how many times I’ve been fucked over, I’m still pure. Men can touch me as much as they want, and that will no longer affect who I am; my actions and those actions done against me, no matter how profane, can no longer hold captive my heart and my person.
Men do not define me anymore, neither through pain or pleasure. My person is whole in itself when that self stands before God and says, “You are abundantly and entirely more than enough”. I am free: free to discern, free to say no, free to be strong. I am redeemed.

Just a portion of my heart was in this captivity; or at least, I would like to believe so. If it was just a portion, it was a very big one. It was big and strong enough that upon realizing this, I am close to tears, joyous tears that stream down my checks as worship to my Redeemer. I can finally hear Him say, "No matter what they've done to you, you are still ok. You're still ok. You're still ok. You're still ok...."

thoughts on a lazy saturday afternoon

finishing college is becoming more daunting to me as of now then i have ever imagined it to be. and its not because of my heavy class load or financial burden or anything of that nature, but its because finishing college is coming. soon. sooner than i am prepared for. this truth provides much anxiety and sleepless nights for me because the picture of my life i've had for years is starting to come to a close. the film strip is coming to an end, and now i'm looking at the last few frames, vainly trying to imagine what the next roll of film is going to look like before it's put on the projector and i have to start viewing it before my own eyes.

and i know, boo-hoo, poor me, i have the whole world before me and i'm upset that i have so much to choose from--i should be excited, not apprehensive, i should be exhilerated at my choices, rather than intimidated. i should be a lot of things, but i am rarely any of them. i should give all of this up and move to Africa or inner-city Los Angeles; i should be devoting every moment of my time to serving those around me; i should put this new MacBook down and walk out of my appartment with artifacts that betray my wealthy status this very minute and just DO something. but i'm not. (and neither are you, because you sitting here reading this right now.) i'm backing down from my previously-held soap-box from which i proclaimed my devotion to changing the world, i'm chumping out, i've switched my focus, and i'm doing this because i've realized that i can't do a single thing for another person--or at least one that is significant to echo in eternity--if i don't know who i am before God. and I hate that i feel like i have to compartmentalize the two, but this is what i have to do for now. I was faking it before, I'm just praying that when this whole process is over, my goodness will be genuine.

so that's why im afraid to finish college, because i still don't know who i am, and isn't that what you are supposed to do when you go to college? i feel like ive been unravelled more since i've come here; hopefully, though, it will be for something better, something more complete. maybe the thread will unravel to a stool, the more true me; or maybe my thread or yarn was too systematical, too manufactured on its spool, God needs to unravel it so He can knit something beautiful.