what i feel sometimes (all the time)

"And I think the world of myself
But the world doesn't think that much of me" --Brandi Carlile

I really don't think it's a self-confidence issue--it's a lack of validation.

That's all.

Peace

hole-y moment

ye-ye-yeah!!!!! it's been FOREVER since i've wanted to do this, and i finally punched a hole in my face tonight. i am my own person...well, I'm God's person, but i'm pretty sure God's ok with this.

I would like to thank Misty Jo and Naomi the pacifist Viking for joining me tonight, Squeeze at Anomaly for doing such a superb job with my left nostril, and all of my friends and others who have maintained nose hoops over the years, providing me the inspiration for doing this. (Oh, and hopefully mom and dad for not killing me when they find out.)

peaceandlove.

(Oh, i have $10 gift certificates for piercing there, if anyone is interested...)

for a friend...

(less specific than the original letter)

I know it's borderline impossible to believe in a truth or element about yourself when you don't see it there, especially when a lot of your self-worth and self-knowledge hinges on it, but maybe we all need to learn how to step out of our self-perceptions and let our loving, supporting community--who we trust in--help develop our identity. I need your help in believing that I am worth it; you need our help to believe that you are too: that you are very smart, capable, intelligent, and wise. So don't worry about school [or anything else that anyone out there sheds tears over because they simply don't feel good enough]--of all of the things in life, it is not something that should hold much weight in your definition of yourself. I think that's why I get frustrated when people recognize it as part of my identity: it's just something I do, not something that makes me who I am. And if it's something that you just do, then it can easily be something that you don't do. Friend, you matter, and are so good in areas that are more important than school--I really believe God gifted you that way. And I know the world tells us school is something that we should be good in, that you aren't as worthy if you aren't as good at it, but you know what? Fuck them! We are worthy because of the cross, and we are good because of Christ. In the future Kingdom of God, it doesn't matter shit if you passed a certain class or whether or not you got good grades. From the perspective of the Kingdom, from Jesus' point of view, those things just fade into obscurity.

So, know that you are good, because of the God you seek to serve through serving others everyday; because of the breath and Spirit of God you dwell in daily, because of Hebrew letters tattooed on the wrists and neck of a friend, because of the crosses drawn on the feet of two brothers we know and love, and because of the Latin on my back that proclaims that we are all children of God. Any other qualifier is meaningless, so much so that in response we laugh at them, joyfully and hopefully like children who are delighted to run into the open arms of their Daddy (or Mommy). So, breathe. Smile. Delight in the rain. Do a cartwheel. Smoke a cigarette. Pray to believe in who you are, the whole and beautiful person made by God. You are loved so dearly by so many people--let that be enough to get you through the day. Let the comfort and love of God, the Father, Son, and Spirit allow you to sleep peacefully at night; and let the hope of the Cross and the Future Kingdom--that is here, but not yet--grace your heart that you can get up every morning and delight in each new day.

We are constantly being made new. What hope and joy and peace we have in that promise.


Someone moving in my heart told me to write this for a specific friend, but its love and sincerity is extended to all who read it.

"now i'm gold..."

(will be elaborated on, once i have time to breathe....)

Here are some recent developments in my life:

*I drink WAY too much coffee. I'll pay for the shitty Pura Vida home brew, just because it's cheap and gets the job done.
*I love running? And miss it when I can't do it? Who am I???
*Oxford made me a bad student, or at least a good procrastinator, and senioritis is making me apathetic, so I don't get my homework done on time, skip class and chapel, and basically give a real birdie to the authority of APU. I even take unopened drinks into the library.
*There's a boy for whom I will go out of my way to make sure I run into. Nothing more, nothing less...
*I'm writing the word 'gold' on my hand every day. It's a reminder that I'm worth that much.

These two songs are characterizing my life this week:
"This and that" by Denison Witmer ("All of the words keep coming/for me to settle down...she sits on the bed/she's so beautiful/she thinks that I'll be scared of what she's feeling...I'm feeling like this/if you can live with that.")
"Silver Lining" by Rio Kiley ("Oh, I'm not going back...I was your silver lining/but now I'm gold.")

I finally got the song...

This is how it went down:


all of the words keep coming
for me to settle down
but i think i heard us falling
before we hit the ground
so much for my dark takes
on how we got this far
funny that we can't make a thing
of what we really are

* she sits on the bed
she's so beautiful
she thinks i'll be scared of what she's feeling
it's time you ought to know
time you had the facts,
"i'm feeling like this, if you can live with that."

i don't believe in some things
like living for myself
and i don't believe in loving
unless there's someone else
--Denison Witmer, 'This and That'

marriage

(excerpt from my journal entry written in church last night)

Finding a spouse seems like such an arduous, impossible task. A husband, sure, no problem, I can do that. Look pretty, promise fidelity, and savor in the shared passions, food tastes, and moral fortitude. But to find a spouse, a man who is willing to hold my hand as we walk towards the cross together, to never loose sight, to go out into God's coming Kingdom, to run to Jesus? And perhaps start holding some children in our arms while continuing along the path, standing erect in the face of voiced good-intentioned advice and concerns of family members and greater society, tattooing the conviction of the cross on our bodies, which we are wholly willing to sacrifice. How can we find each other (I am concerned with sheer ability here)? How can two people, who are equally willing to commit themselves to each other's discipleship, find each other?

This is what I think Christian marriage should be. I am not so assured in my impending own. What a choice to make...

here i am

Might I be pretentious enough to assume that you would want to get to know me? I guess if you are reading my blog, then perhaps you have some latent interest to the inter-workings of the woman that is Melanie Kayla Dosen ('cause, really...I don't think I'm that interesting to listen to unless you want to know what's going on in my life). So, for you, whoever you are out there, I've composed a list of songs that I'm convinced were written for me. (Yes, John and Paul wrote a song for me about 20 years before I was born. I'm that fantastic.)

Anyway, my beloved fans (or stalkers), here is a tentative list of songs you should listen to if you really want to get to know me. I'm pretty sure they speak well for themselves. For all you gentlemen out there, here's a freebee: if you listen to this list and actually apply it in conversation and interaction with me, you've pretty much found the way to my heart. That, and puppies. The later actually probably holds more weight.


To quote Misty Jo Wise: "You're hilarious, Mellie Poo."

I know, Misty, I know.


Here ye go:
"Save the People" from Godspell
"Doubting Thomas" by Nickel Creek
"Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole" by Martha Wainwright
"Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen, as preformed by Rufus Wainwright (not Jeff Buckley, I know. judge away.)
"Sparrow" by Simon & Garfunkel
"I Like Giants" by Kimya Dawson
"Empty" by Ray LaMontagne
"Paper Doll" by Denison Witmer, as preformed by Rosie Thomas
"Blackbird" by The Beatles

(I've just about bared my soul on the internet. Gross...)